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3月17日 The Path of Friendship and Its SurprisesA critical part of a successful friendship and any human relationship, similar to IT projects, is the ability to set expectations in a timely fashion and engage in a reasonble amount of negotiations. As we grow older, we acquire and shed friendships primarily due to a change in geography, interest, and marital status. The frequency of gaining new acquaintances is very dependent availability of time as well as mutual affinity.
I believe there are two extreme approaches to the friendship building behaviour spectrum. Some choose to treat it like a popularity contest in which they provide stellar "performances" and hope for the most votes. Follow-through is rarely a priority. Others so timidly navigate the process as if they were sifting through sand for gold and no one makes the cut. Hopefully after such instense efforts, the friendship lasts for a while. And, of course, there is the rest of us who sit somewhere in between the two edges.
Once we pass the stage of acquaintance, we begin to navigate through the uncertain territory of understanding the friendship and hopefully gain some understanding about ourselves. We learn what to expect from the friend, for better and for worse. If certain expectations are not deemed acceptable, we distance ourselves and move on. In other words, we employ the avoidance tactic where we reduce exposure to the unpleasant experience to minimize discomfort. On the other hand, heaven forbid we learn how we chronically disappoint our peers and may choose to improve ourselves, or not.
When we choose to bravely continue the friendship by accepting mutual faults, we advance to a stage where there is a huge element of surprise -- pleasant and unpleasant. Learning the limits of the friendship, we try not to introduce strain into the relationship or have unreasonable expectations. On a more positive note, we also learn how friends can surprise us.
Talking about a more personal experience, one of the few childhood friends with whom I've kept in touch all these years recently asked me to be her bridesmaid. Although the request arrived 4 months before her wedding date and I felt a little bit like a plan B because of the late request, I'm still somewhat flattered. (My sister assured me that the last minute requests are typical of Taiwanese wedding dis-organization.) My friend wanted each of the bridesmaid to represent different stages of her life and I was the one that went the furthest back -- elementary school.
I can't say I expected too little from the friendship, but she certainly surprised me. Plan B or not, I've been quite delightfully surprised. 3月31日 Who Needs Friends When Dating?How many of us out there know a friend or two who had since disappeared from the face of this earth upon dating someone exclusively? Maybe some of us have even done that to our own truest and dearest of friends. It's just too easy to let existing friendships take the backseat as we forage into the exciting adventure of couple-dom. Couple-dom is the happyland where two persons act as one single unit when shopping/dining/traveling with other two-person units, who may be as newly acquired as your latest other half.
If you're lucky, your existing circle of longtime friends are already composed of other two-person units and are open to the lastest new addition in your life to their group, thereby making the group one step closer to Couple-dom Heaven. In this set-up, you get to keep your friends and your new soulmate. Otherwise, you're caught in the world of competing schedules which is a pain to navigate through and sacrifices are expected. With your time becoming a premium item, the question to ask yourself is "What do I get out of hanging out with friends instead of the new love of my life?"
As a person looking at the situation entirely from a friend's standpoint, friendship is has its purpose in that it helps give the dating parties some perspective to the brand spanking new relationship. Oftentimes when dating, it's easy to be absorbed in the two-person only world and lose sight of what is going on around you. Having friends gives you a breather from that world and also serves as a sounding board to help keep things in perspective. More importantly, it serves as a support system in case you have any questions or doubts about your own actions or other situational circumstances that leave you in a quandry.
There are plenty of times in our lives when we have moments of weaknesses and self-doubts where we require friends to give us absolute support and unfailing validation. No matter how we want to define ourselves as individuals, we still require the bare minimum level of acceptance from people we deem important in our lives. Just as relationships validate us as people, they can also question our convictions, which deserve questioning. However, it's our reactions and the support system that we seek out that help us weather through these moments of self-doubt and determine the direction of the path forward. Theoretically, good friends are there through rain and shine. It is no mystery to anyone that dating is rarely an easy road to travel and sometimes, we need a good "navigational" system to point us to a so-called "proper" general direction. We look for that direction within ourselves but well-meaning friends can provide invaluable input as they sometimes know you as a person better than you know yourself or you are willing to acknowledge about yourself. 3月22日 No Calls after 10pm and before 10amI don't know if other people have this rule, but I have a rule of not picking up my phone after 10pm if I'm already at home and retired for the evening. I follow the same rule when calling people as I do my best to avoid calling them after 10pm, unless it's a Friday/Saturday evening when I am expecting people to be out and about. For some, that may seem like a strange and rigid rule to follow but I didn't begin implementing it until someone else mentioned that it was a rule she followed. After some discussion, I thought it wasn't a bad idea either.
Part of the motivation of having this rule is to allow time for yourself at home in the evening to relax and do your chores without added distractions. Secondly, there are non-urgent phone calls which can be dealt with earlier during the day rather than right before your bedtime. Now, that does not mean I have no exceptions to this rule. I always make exceptions for family, closer friends, and people from whom I actually am expecting a call. My sister can call me any time of the day and besides answering the phone with an annoyed grunt at 2am, I'll still listen even though I may not remember a word she and I exchange by the time I wake up the next morning. If it's a friend in need (referring to those who actually prioritize their "in need" moments, not the ones with weekly high drama,) then I would be there to listen just as much I hope he/she would be there for me. If I do call people past 10pm or earlier than 10am, I always make sure I ask them whether I called at a good time and keep the conversation relatively short, unless the call recepient wants to chat more.
I generally find it rude if people you don't really know very well call you past 10pm in the evening and expect you to chat the night away with them. Had I been a teenager with a little more time on my hands, maybe I would indulge them. As an adult, I find that inconsiderate because it presumes that I don't have anything more important to do. Maybe I don't really have anything important to do, but since personal time is a pretty highly prized commodity for me, I am selective with whom I'm planning on wasting my time. Sounds a bit harsh but unfortunately it's the truth.
We all exercise some decision making process when we choose whether or not take calls, especially made convenient with the caller ID display feature. Just as much as I'm on the call screening end, I'm sure my calls been screened as well. For that, I am not bitter (or I may be in denial here...) because I didn't waste my precious time on someone who didn't want to waste time talking unimportant non-sense with me. 2月5日 Time Spent with Close FriendsWith the limited time all of us have everyday, how and who we choose to spend time with becomes quite critical. Recently (at least for me) I have read plenty of articles on newspapers and magazines on how we define happiness. (Check out http://online.wsj.com/article/SB116536873558741857.html) For some of us, retail therapy works its magic in the form of instant gratification. We sometimes live for these moments of temporary happiness because they provide a feeling of self-realization wherein you have proven to yourself your abilities to make "sound" purchasing decisions. Unfortunately, those feelings are temporary. This past weekend, I've had the pleasure of spending time with some friends of mine with whom I been hanging out with on a regular basis. In both instances, I realized the importance of having close friends, who are too easily taken for granted. Being with a circle of close friends provides the comfort zone wherein you don't have to try to hard to say the right things so as to not offend anyone. At times, they serve the purpose of having a "Plan B," in case you have nothing to do on a lazy Sunday afternoon and staying at home catching up with Netflix is getting old. Being with good friends allows you the ability to be candid with each other. That being said, sometimes even with close friends, being to honest/candid on sensitive issues can be uncomfortable. Hopefully, whatever you dole out in advice or share in opinions will be received with the understanding that your intentions are good. As we pile up our social calendar with activities, we get lost in the social suffling that consumes time and energy because we have to repeat the same old answers to the new people we meet. I've been at one too many occasions where I just wished I was at home reading a book rather having to explain what I do for a living and how I hate/love my commute on 101. However, it's still important to meet new people so that our minds are exposed to different ways of thinking and our activities are varied. Over time, it's the people with whom you share the most common values and experiences who become closer to you. Time you spend together also builds history (i.e. experiences) that enables a deeper relationship. Developing close friendships is an investment of time and energy which may happen intentionally or accidentally. By "intentionally" I refer to people with whom you have to go out of your way to meet up with every so often and the connection is still intact. By "accidentally" I refer to people with whom friendships are built based on convenience through work, neighborhood, hobbies, or existing friends. Whatever method is used to extend the friendship, the underlying idea is that it results in something that lasts. Of course, people change and their priorities shift as with everything in life. How we all wish that good things remain constant...but if friendship fades, it's not the end of the world because it opens the door to making new acquaintances which will hopefully bloom into a meaningful relationship. You'll know when the acquaintance becomes a painful experience if you'd rather spend time with your TiVo or reading other people's blogs and playing phone tag is a blessing... PS: I finally found my Charlie Brown wall calendar and I'm ready to pray for world peace. =) |
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